holiday ramblings...

finally i log in again.

i do have lots to write about, but I simply don't have enough time. I found microblogging via twitter is quite accommodating. I join twitter about last year, but as it getting happening nowadays, I just actively tweeted from few months ago. follow my twitter! or you can see what I tweeted on the widget on the right tab.

so, finally, I can call a holiday! yeay!! It's Eid break. for a week. yeay!!

now I'm on my final year on my medical school. my fifth year. as in new curriculum, I'd graduate as a medical doctor in five years program.

I start this year with child&adolescent health a.k.a. Pediatrics.
I'm so anxious with this one. I don't know. The teachers are scary, most known as teachers who often fail the students. And I'm anxious with the clinical practice itself.

as a schizoid, I have blunt affect. I have no empathy. I couldn't relate well to others. and the most important things, I don't like children.

as the youngest in my family, i'm used to have all attentions for me as a small kid. i'm not used to have anyone younger to get more attentions.
i don't like kids when they scream out loud - because i'm the quiet one. I don't like kids when they're out of control. i just don't like kids.
maybe it's just because i always feel i'm the youngest and the smallest.

and now, i passed 5 weeks in Peds - still 4 weeks to go.
so far, my dislikes of kids has been decreased. kids are cute. especially the newborn ones. all of sudden, I feel this motherly, the feeling which has been buried somewhere all these years, when I see cute newborns.
I want kids. someday. with me & my significant other (who i haven't met yet) genes run through them. I even dreamed about having baby last night (though it was weird one).

but still, I don't like kids who are out of control and crying out loud. there was a day when I suffered migraine, which was getting more sensitive of sounds, It killed me! so I just stormed out of the room, left my friends in the same room without notice.

one thing I don't like of clinical practice is poker face or faking.
I fake I care. I set my face as friendly as I can be. I don't know. I just haven't figured it out to make me really care, to let out the humanity inside me. I used the patients then I pretend I care about them. I'm no GOD. I don't think I can care about all those patients. but please give me chances to try to care.

but i think everyone do poker face. so, it's not the worst thing to do.

enough of these ramblings.
pointless writings.

Happy holiday everyone!

Have a very blessing Eid Mubarak!