i just want to collect some of my own quotes that i made on my twitter. i'll start resuming my tweets every end of the month.. since i just start from this month, i cover the months have passed since i actively twittering.

-NOVEMBER 2009-

spilling the secrets is like pinching my furuncle-like pimple. it's itching, but if i do it, i'll make scars. 3:22 PM Nov 29th

you know what hurts? believing what u want to hear, what u want to see, and what u want to believe, but all those are just never there. 6:44 PM Nov 25th

yes, i've been overthinking or overreacting. but i like that this cold heart beats again. at least i know i'm alive. 3:32 PM Nov 24th

i like hitting my head to any hard objects now. it makes my head feel better. 4:12 PM Nov 22nd

one other thing money can't buy: time 2:46 PM Nov 9th


-OCTOBER 2009-

i now prefer plugging my ears . it's not that I'm not grateful with my hearing. i think i need to learn diminishing unnecessary sounds. 6:02 PM Oct 25th


-SEPTEMBER 2009-

i can't be a junkie, right? i'm just addicted to a pain killer. 8:57 PM Sep 18th


-AUGUST 2009-

membuat pembenaran sendiri: 'ga ada kata terlambat utk mulai belajar' ;p 8:35 PM Aug 30th


-JULY 2009-

okay, i'm fasting.. hold all emotions. 8:37 AM Jul 24th

the enemy of my enemy is my ally. 2:05 AM Jul 17th


-JUNE 2009-

research needs sacrifices 4:39 PM Jun 3rd


i have twitter account since january 2009, but my first tweet was on March, and just actively twittering since May.

My dream last night was a bit weird.
It continued like a series.
I don't really remember what the beginning was...
I slept at 10p.m. but suddenly awoke at 2 a.m.
I just can remember that I want to meet someone (or something).
then I back to sleep again.
and the dream continued. I was sure that it was on the same settings.
I still looked for it.
then I woke up again at 4 am. but got back to sleep again.
It was the one that I can remember precisely.
I finally got the direction to the place of what I was looking for.
but... It was not an easy way.

It was with lot of turns, slippery slopes, floods... up side down...
well, It was like an off-road track but in the speed of a roller coaster (well, it was a dream anyway)

then I finally passed that way, but still I had not arrived to the place of what i was looking for.
I stopped for pee..
and I woke up for pee.

well, the lesson of that dream:
there was never an easy way.

and It happens today.

me, cici, and ryan went to Senayan City. for a stupid promo.
I'm just to tired to tell what happened for that freaking silly promo.
it was the most tiring day of this week for just a cheaper price.

if I could correlate,
It was similar conclusion to my dream last night.

There is never an easy way.
but if you get it easily, it means you're lucky.

dulu jamannya gw masih baca chicken soup, jaman gw SMP dan awal2 SMA (whew.. five years ago), gw sering banget ngumpulin quotes. tiap awal cerita dari chicken soup hampir selalu ada quotes bagus. i like to reread those inspirational quotes. then i collect it in my book.

gw baru nemuin binder gw yang ada kumpulan quotes itu kemaren... well, lumayan bikin gw semangat lagi.. ehm.. semangat bukan kata yang tepat... mungkin, lebih terinspirasi lagi...

taken from everywhere, not only from chicken soup, and maybe you have heard it before:

"give the best to the world and the best will come back to you"

"your current actions set you up for all future reactions"

"don't wait for things to you, but make it happen!"

"success is not final, fail is not fatal; it is the courage to continue that count"

"temper is the one thing you can't get rid of by losing it"

sekarang gw lagi ngerjain project quoting other stories. sebenernya indri merequest gw untuk gw post di blog.. well, gw baru meng-quote 4 chapter dan itu udah 4 halaman (dgn font centuri gothic 12 dan margin 1')... jadi klo gw tulis di blog bakal panjang banget...

kayanya gw akan mulai ngumpulin quotes lagi.. back to old hobby? i do not think so. not yet.

"could a dead, frozen heart beat again? it felt like mine was about to."

tadi pagi ngeblog di kampus sebelum akhirnya migrasi ke rumah sepupunya Harris.

gw seneng di rumah sepupunya itu.. nyaman banget. asri-ada taman di dalem rumah, ada kolam renangnya...hawanya sejuk...
bikin ga berasa lagi sibuk ngurusin SPSS.

yup.
sekarang gw udah mulai ngolah data hasil riset gw itu pake SPSS.
sebenernya gw dan temen2 gw yang lain ga ngerti SPSS. makanya nanya ma orang lain. dalam kasus kita, kita nanya ke sepupunya Harris yang udah selesai skripsi dan lagi belajar statistik.

thanks a lot sheila.. bikin pencerahan atas kegelapan SPSS ini..

ayo nad!! semangat nyelesaiin riset.

gw udah sempet putus asa dari riset ini. gw udah sempet mencoba mengundurkan diri, mencoba meracuni temen-temen gw untuk menyudahi riset ini.
well, sekali lagi, mungkin gw emang pengecut.
tapi gw emang putus asa ama riset gw yang perjalanannya panjaaaaaang bgt.

tapi.
lagi-lagi quote yg gw sering ucapin belakangan ini...
masalahnya bukan bagaimana akhirnya, tapi bagaimana mengakhirnya. apa yang dimulai, harus diselasaikan.
sebenernya tulisan asli quote itu gw lupa,, ya.. kira2 gtulah..

jadi..
ayo selesaikan riset!!

bayangkan 5 minggu liburan akhir tingkat 4 klo riset udah selesai duluan!!

capee..
hari ini cape.
bangun tidur aja rasanya juga udah ga enak..
tapi gw tau hari ini gw ada riset.. mesti bedah2 tikus.

untuk yang belum tau riset gw apaan..
yah intinya..
- gw mesti membedah tikus.
- lambungnya gw cocol pake asam asetat
- ditutup/dijait lagi dan dibiarkan hidup
- baru deh tikusnya dikasih paparan macem2 obat.
- dimatiin tikusnya, diambil lambungnya

nah. hari ini gw melakukan 3 poin diatas tadi. poin yang keempat baru gw lakukan setelah 3 hari dari sekarang.
hari ini jumlah tikusnya ada 24. karena kita ber6. jadi masing2 ngerjain 4 tikus.
dari 7.30 baru selesai 15.30. sempet istirahat 2 jam utk makan siang dan solat.

kalo ga lagi ngebedah, ya ngebantuin yang lagi ngebedah.
badan baunya ga keruan deh..
udah bau tikus, bau eter, bau asam asetat, bau povidon iodin, bau darah.. mabok deh.

yang mau gw ceritakan adalah pengalaman gw ngebedah2 itu..

setahun yang lalu gw pertama kalinya latihan bedah.. dari dokter pembimbing riset gw.
pembimbing gw riset itu bukan dokter bedah. as a doctor, dia juga punya skill bedah jaman dia masih pendidikan dulu, dan risetnya dia sebelumnya juga membedah2 tikus.

saat pertama kali gw ngeliat cara bedah gtu.. gw amazed. WoW!
trus kan gw preliminary dulu.. atau dalam arti lain, gw dan temen2 riset gw latihan membedah2 tikus dulu.

pertama kali gw melakukan bedah2 itu..
gugup.panik.keringet dingin. tremor.
pertama kali, gw takut2 gtu ma tikusnya.. ga tahan baunya..
dan yang pertama itu gw gagal.

kita udah sering banget "bongkar-pasang" tikus gtu..

sampe2, sbenernya skill bedah gw, yang gw dapetin sebelum pendidikan, justru dari riset.
kalau temen2 gw dapet skill itu dari Sirkumsisi (sunatan massal) dari kegiatan organisasi, gw malah belum pernah ikut sirkumsisi (padahal pengmas sering ada Sirkumsisi). entah mengapa, gw selalu ga bisa ikutan sirkumsisi. entah gw sakit, gw ada acara keluarga, sampai akhirnya gw terlupakan untuk diajak.

klo dipikir2,, sebenernya skill yang gw dapet dari riset ini jauh lebih berbobot daripada sirkumsisi. walau kondisinya berbeda. sirkumsisi itu ama manusia. riset gw ama tikus.
tapi, sirkumsisi itu cuma termasuk bedah minor.
sementara riset gw itu termasuk dalam laparotomi, yang sebenernya termasuk bedah mayor.
tapi, situasinya kan beda. yang satu manusia. yang satu tikus.

riset gw baru benar2 berjalan sekitar sebulan yang lalu.
maksudnya, benar2 operasi massal untuk memberi perlakuan pada tikus2 itu.
kita (kelompok riset gw) udah ga punya peri-kebinatangan lagi.. udah ga punya hati. udah kaya tukang jagal aja.

yang anehnya, modul kemaren, sekitar 2bulan yang lalu, ada KKD bedah dasar. padahal kayanya ga ada hubungannya sama Infeksi&Imunologi. KKDnya diajarin dari mulai memegang alat, sampai bermacam2 teknik menjahit.

emang lebih ngena belajar jahit-menjahit gni klo ama orang bedah. he taught me, he corrected me. yang anehnya, walau sebenernya gw cukup sering jahit-menjahit dikala riset, waktu KKD tetep aja gw gugup. well, it's like another first time for me. first time always makes me nervous.
dan saat gw nervous itu, mulai deh ada gerakan2 involunter macam tremor (padahal tangan gw ga gampang tremor).
untungnya dokter PPDS yang ngajarin gw baik banget ngajarinnya, perhatian gtu klo tangan gw mulai tremor...

"tenang aja.. ga usah buru-buru, ga usah panik... kalau mulai gerakan2 involunter, mulai panik, ambil napas aja...", he said.

sbenernya itu adalah hal dasar dalam mengatasi nervous... but I sometimes just forget to breath..

makanya, sebulan yang lalu saat gw memulai riset, cara membedah gw udah lebih mending daripada sebelumnya..

bahkan saat tadi siang gw ampe mabok eter&asetat,, gw merasa lebih bisa melakukannya.
dibanding satu tahun yang lalu yang tingkat kepanikan tinggi dan ketololan yang parah...
sekarang, panik udah terkendali, tolol udah mendingan.. mungkin karena juga udah lebih sering..
sekarang klo panik saat riset (surgery time), gw inget si dokter PPDS itu,inget kata2nya..



bagi beberapa temen gw, riset gw ini seru banget. terutama karena ada bedah2nya itu...
andai mereka tahu,, betapa kita cape banget riset ini.. ngabisin uang banyak..
uang udah ga diitung deh.. yang penting risetnya..
yang bikin cape riset ini, mulai dari tinjauan pustakanya yang ampe keliling Jakarta bahkan ampe ke Bogor,,
dan saat riset,, badan tuh rasanya pegel2 semua, apalagi tulang2 punggung&pinggang.
sampe tadi kita makan siang, udah kaya kuli sawah.. ampe 1,5 jam, makan membabi buta..
dan begitu kita selesai ngebedah semua tikus, kita tetep kelaperan lagi.

emang sih seru, tapi pengorbanannya juga seru..

ayoo teman-teman riset,, mari segera kita selesaikan penderitaan riset ini!!

lagi-lagi kuliah dr. Farida selesai lebih cepat dari jadwal.
mestinya 1 jam, ini cuma 15 menit.
jadinya jam 8.15 gw udah ga ada apa2an sampai praktikum jam 1.

akhirnya gw ke perpus aja.
bikin tugas.
udah 2 hari ini gw bawa laptop (lagi) ke kampus.
kemaren gw ga kebagian wifi. sekarang sih lumayan.

sekarang gw udah selesai praktikum dan akhirnya kembali lagi ke perpus.

beberapa hal yang gw pikirkan sekarang..
entah mengapa gw jadi kangen InSitu.

sekarang perpus berisik banget. panas pula.

"It’s library. It’s supposed to be quiet" -InSitu

bener kata Insitu. gw gerah bgt di perpus.
gerah karena emang beneran panas.
dan gerah karena perpusnya berisik.

dan yang berisik itu udah bukan kita para krucil aja. tapi mahasiswa magister juga pada berisik.

mereka belum pernah ngerasain dimarahin InSitu gara2 perpus berisik apa?

dulu gw sempet sekali kena marahnya InSitu.
sebenernya bukan gw yang berisik. emang sih, gw saat itu lagi diskusi ama Paska. tapi, karena dia nanyain cara log in.
yang berisik itu si Yasmin. sekitar 5 meter dari gw.
tapi gw dan Paska yang lebih deket dengan InSitu.
jadi, kita deh yang kena.
kita sih ga ngelawanin.. sebenernya dia bener sih..

knapa InSitu jadi terkenal di angkatan gw padahal kita belum pernah bertemu InSitu?

jadi, waktu thn 2005 akhir/2006 awal.. Jaman gw masih tingkat 1.
InSitu pernah mengirim email yang ditujukan ke Dekanat.
isinya?
tentang perpus berisik. mahasiswa yang gak tau diri. and so on.
kalimat2nya pedes banget deh..

kita bisa tau surat itu gara2nya petugas perpusnya mengkopi-kan surat itu dan kasih ke kita yang saat itu ribut2 bgt di perpus atas.
kita sempet bingung, yang dimaksud InSitu krucil itu angkatan kita, apa angkatan lain.
untuk menenangkan diri sih, kita anggapnya itu angkatan lain.

klo menurut gw sih itu angkatan gw.
meracau ttg Malaria. jaman itu, salah satu topik modul riset adalah Malaria. yang mana masih tingkat 1 dengan ilmu yang masih cetek.. pasti racauannya ngalor ngidul ga jelas.
tapi... angkatan lain, yang mungkin lagi belajar Parasitologi, pasti bahas malaria juga.

perpus berisik nih..
daripada gw makinan menderita karena gw orangnya gampang teralihkan perhatiannya.. gw menyendiri aja di pojokan perpus bersama laptop, slide2 diktat, dan earphone (jadi gw ga denger berisiknya)..

sebel juga sih ngeliat pengunjung2 perpus itu. udah berisik, mending diskusinya ilmiah.. ini keterlaluan bgt. berisik tapi ada yang sambil main game. ada yang malah skalian nonton film Korea/Jepang.

emang sih, gw jg kadang ga melakukan hal akademis/ilmiah.. (contohnya nulis blog gni).. tapi paling engga gw ga berisik. gw ga mengganggu orang lain.

yaa.. wahai penghuni perpus... sadarkah kalian perbuatan kalian itu mengganggu orang lain?? buat apa kalian sekolah tinggi-tinggi.. empati digembar-gemborkan sejak dini.. tapi ga menghargai orang lain. orang ke perpus kan mencari ketenangan...

kalo yang berisik itu temen-temen gw sendiri, gw selalu berusaha untuk menyuruh mereka ga berisik.
tapi kalo orang lain... siapa gw? ga mungkin banget tiba2 gw negor tu orang untuk ga berisik.
emangnya gw InSitu.

-----

dari tadi disebutin InSitu.. who is she?
Namanya Indah Situmorang.
dulu itu dia Chief Residen Bedah.
sekarang udah lulus. seangkatan PPDS ama mba Nina.. dia temennya Nina. sekarang dia lagi kerja di Tembagapura, gantiin posisinya Nina dulu. (yang terakhir gw denger beberapa waktu yang lalu). dia emang terkenal galak (cerita kakak2 kelas gw). dia jg vokal, menyampaikan isi pikirannya. tapi sebenernya dia baik. mba nina jg sering cerita how good she is. If I were her.

Gw ga enak hati nih sebenernya..

Udah 3 hari gw “menggunjingkan” temen gw. Sebenernya bukan menggunjing-selalu aja berkelit untuk hal ini. Gw cuma menanyakan pendapat orang lain untuk mengklarifikasi pendapat gw.

Gw udah bercerita pada tulus,chi2,laras,kakak ian,kakak ari,ndit,farmut. Udah 7 orang gw ceritain ini dan gw tanya pendapat mereka apakah sama dengan pendapat gw.

Is he normal?

How’s the normal?

Emang agak jahat sih.. gw janji, gw ga akan menambah jumlah orang yg gw ceritain.

Gw juga ga ngerti kenapa gw jadi nanyain (cerita) ke orang2. padahal dia juga ga mengganggu kehidupan gw. But it’s getting annoying for us.

Satu hal yang pengen gw omongin ke orang itu seandainya ada kesempatan..

Sometimes we get more than our expectation. Sometimes we don’t get what we want. And sometimes we lose what we have.

It’s time for you to accept and learning to let go.

Grow up! And be a man!

Mungkin karena acara di global tv Be A Man itu membuat gw tersadar, that you have to Be A Man.

it turns out that i like copying the quotes from Grey's Anatomy (my favourite series)..

it's gonna be a long page, but it's worth reading.

______



From Meredith Grey:

• The body is a slave to it's impulses. But the thing that makes us human is what we can control. After the storm, after the rush, after the heat of the moment has passed, we can cool off and clean up the messes we made. We can try to let go of what was. Then again...

• We are left with a choice. Either let the guilt throw you back into the behavior that got you into trouble in the first place, or learn from the guilt and do your best to move on.

• There are times when even the best of us have trouble with commitment, and we may be surprised at the commitments we're willing to let slip out of our grasp. Commitments are complicated. We may surprise ourselves by the commitments we're willing to make. True commitment, takes effort, and sacrifice. Which is why sometimes, we have to learn the hard way, to choose our commitments very carefully.

• Not all wounds are superficial. Most wounds run deeper than you can imagine. You can't see them with the naked eye. And then there are the wounds that take us by surprise. The trick with any kind of wound or disease is to dig down and find the real source of the pain - and once you've found it, try like hell to heal that sucker.

• there is nothing worse in the world than thinking you have a chance when you really don't.

• We deny that we're tired, we deny that we're scared, we deny how badly we want to succeed. And most importantly, we deny that we're in denial. We only see what we want to see and believe what we want to believe, and it works. We lie to ourselves so much that after a while the lies start to seem like the truth. We deny so much that we can't recognize the truth right in front of our faces.

• Sometimes reality has a way of sneaking up and biting us in the ass. And when the dam bursts, all you can do is swim. The world of pretend is a cage, not a cocoon. We can only lie to ourselves for so long. We are tired, we are scared, denying it doesn't change the truth. Sooner or later we have to put aside our denial and face the world.

• Pain, it comes in all forms. The small twinge, a bit of soreness, the random pain that we live with everyday. Then there is the kind of pain you just can't ignore, a level of pain so great that it blocks out everything else, makes the rest of your world fade away until all we can think about is how much we hurt, how we manage our pain is up to us. We anaesthetize, ride it out, embrace it, ignore it, and for some of us the best way to manage pain is to just push through it.

• Pain, you just have to ride it out, hope it goes away on its own, hope the wound that caused it heals. There are no solutions, no easy answers. You just breathe deep and wait for it to subside. Most of the time pain can be managed, but sometimes the pain gets you when you least expect it, hits way below the belt and doesn't let up. Pain you just have to fight through, because the truth is you can't outrun it, and life always makes more.

• whoever said "What you don't know can’t hurt you", was a complete and total moron. Because for most people I know, not knowing is the worst feeling in the world. Okay, fine. Maybe it's the second worst.

• Communication. It's the first thing we really learn in life. Funny thing is, once we grow up, learn our words and really start talking the harder it becomes to know what to say. Or how to ask for what we really need.

• Gratitude, appreciation, giving thanks. No matter what words you use, they all mean the same thing. Happy. We're supposed to be happy. Grateful for friends, family. Happy just to be alive. Whether we like it or not.

• Superstition lies in the space between what we can control and what we can't. Find a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck. No one wants to pass up a chance for good luck. But does saying it thirty three times really help? Is anyone really listening? And if no ones listening, why do we bother doing those strange things. We rely on superstitions because we're smart enough to know we don't have all the answers. And that life works in mysterious ways. Don't diss the juju, from wherever it comes.

• nothing comes without a price. So before you go into battle, you better decide how much you're willing to lose. Too often, going after what feels good means letting go of what you know is right; and letting someone in means abandoning the walls you've spent a lifetime building. Of course, the toughest sacrifices are the ones we don't see coming, when we don't have time to come up with a strategy to pick a side or to measure the potential loss. When that happens, when the battle chooses us and not the other way around, that's when the sacrifice can turn out to be more than we can bear.

From Alex Karev:

I tell the truth. It’s what I do. It doesn't make me a bad doctor. Everyone walks around this place lying. Look we tell a patient that’s dying that there's hope when there is no hope. Maybe I'm a pig, maybe I'm an ass, and maybe I'm a vermin like everybody says. But I tell them the truth. It’s the one thing that I've got going for me. And you don't get to take that away from me and call it a lesson. Sir.





From George O'Malley:
One way or another our karma will leave us to face ourselves. We can look our karma in the eye or we can wait for it to sneak up on us from behind. One way or another, our karma will always find us. And the truth is, as surgeons, we have more chances than most to set the balance in our favor. No matter how hard we try we can't escape our karma. It follows us home. I guess we can't really complain about our karma. It's not unfair. It's not unexpected. It just...evens the score. And even when we're about to do something we know will tempt karma to bite us in the ass...well, it goes without saying. We do it anyway.





From Calliope Torres:

I don't give a crap about what other people think of me. Because I am a happily independent and successful woman and I like it that way, only when you say stuff like this, it just makes things too hard so please, don't chase me anymore, unless you're ready to catch me.





From Denny Duquet:

It turns out, sometimes you have to do the wrong thing. Sometimes you have to make a big mistake to figure out how to make things right. Mistakes are painful, but they're the only way to find out who you really are. I know who I am now. I know what I want.